Call Them Stoppings not Stockings

Let’s get straight under women’s skirts and talk about one of the biggest daily battles – putting on control top stockings!!

Every GOD DARN morning I would look at the picture on the packet and hope today would be the day, the day I would gracefully glide on the nylon and look like a super model.

But my body shivered as I once again pulled them out the packet and wondered how I would get one leg in the tiny waist let alone two of the bastards!!

With the grace of 10 elephants breakdancing, the struggle began.

Bunching then up right down to the toe, balancing on one leg whilst somehow hitching the other up to at least knee height without slipping a disk in my back, then trying to slide it up something that resembled one of those foam rollers, without putting your finger through something that cost you the same as a house deposit!

Next up, the other leg.

Holy shit, by now I need a vodka to calm my anxiety. #7am

It’s like a crazy three legged race and tug of war all in one.

One leg partially done, the other leg rebelling at getting up to waist height thanks to my thunder thighs and the nylon delicately reminding me that if I f* this up I’ll have to do an emergency leg shave!

Sweat is now dripping off me!

Not sexy!

About 10 minutes goes by and I feel like the last bad date I went on passed by quicker!

Ah shit, the blinds were open the whole time – did the hunk across the lane way in the apartment on level 2 just see all this?! There goes my chance of striking up a quick conversation at our local convenience store and having babies together. #runtheotherway

I quickly dress because now I’m pushing time to get to work….

It all looks great when put together, just like some romantic scene in a movie, where underneath the woman’s dress is sexiness, confidence and the ‘perfect’ body.

But let me tell you it was far from it.

Let’s start with the fact that the control top could be stretched right up to under my bra for frigs sake – I mean what the fk for?! Perhaps if you didn’t make them so tight I wouldn’t suddenly have my body turn into 80% body fat and wish I’d never eaten in the last week! #creatingbodyhate

So I guess that helps me understand my next point – how do you expect my body to digest any bloody food when all my internal organs are mooshed together fighting for space?! #hungryandbloated

And the fact that when I sit down at my desk all day (with my freakn legs hiding under the desk so I’m not sure what in the hell all the trouble was for) that my circulation at the waist, hips and thighs has been cut off. #shediedatherdesk

When I finally got home at the end of the day and peeled them off in the hope of keeping them in one piece without a ladder so I could put them on again the next day, it was like watching goop return to its normal shape and size with red marks all over it where it had been compressed for 10-12 hours!!

WTF for?!


When I decided F* THAT!

I’m going to make my own sexy legs.

Through small incremental changes, more exercise of my legs (more than walking from my desk to the loo and waking from work to the pub), increasing water intake (f* off kankles – I know the secret now!), and loving all of me – I banished them.

(And I also reduced my water retention so I no longer had tree stumps, improved my digestion so I was no longer bloated, and enjoyed more energy as my blood circulated freely)

Who cares of you have some lumps and bumps.

Who cares if you’re lily white (hell yeah sisters).

Who cares if you’re a bit more sexy than you realised!

PLEASE Stop restricting your body with these devil tools and spend more time on creating the best of you, unrestricted, Healthy, Happy and loving life.

As I wrap this up I wonder – were control tops created as a contraception because they sure as hell aren’t a turn on and even if they were, you can’t get the f*ers off in a hurry!!!

* I ended these daily incidents in 2014 and part of the reason why I became a PT and women’s health coach.

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